


On Ringing The Devil's Doorbell

by DollyPop



Category: Soul Eater
Genre: F/M, Humor, Ridiculous, Sexual Humor, allusions to anal, masturbation mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 19:32:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8297698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DollyPop/pseuds/DollyPop
Summary: Marie realized that coming to Stein's family reunion was definitely a mistake maybe just a moment too late.





	

The reunion was going about as well as all reunions could when crammed into a single room in his mother’s house, right after the rest of his family, himself not included, went to Synagogue. And here he was: with his very-much-so gentile girlfriend. Whom he had, as of yet, not revealed to be pregnant. For good reason. 

Good reason that his Uncle Arthur, who was the only other person save for him to not attend Synagogue that morning, was proving right that very damn second. The man, having converted to Christianity a good decade and a half ago, and very probably as old as the religion itself, wheezed. Stein could have sworn dust came out. He’d do anything to check his lungs. “You intend to MARRY her?” his uncle asked, his hearing aid dialed all the way up. 

Stein didn’t want to repeat, for the fiftieth time, that he had ALREADY asked Marie to marry him. She was wearing his Great Grandmother’s ring, after all. And if his mother, a Rabbi, was alright with it, then, well, he didn’t want to hear it.

His uncle, however, undeterred, only barrelled on. “Because…you should really make sure, before you do, that she’s not a…you know,“ the man said, and Stein blinked. 

"Pardon?” he asked, and he could feel Marie tense from beside him. She’d been rather quiet all day, not used to being surrounded by so many people who didn’t all absolutely adore her. That was fine, however. He cared for her enough for all his family twice over. 

 "You know…one of those…“ his uncle pitched his voice down as though the very thought was awful to say aloud. "Masturbators.” Marie’s lower lip dropped, astounded that she was living in the modern era and had to hear such idiocy. To her face, nonetheless. Stein, personally, was reminded of Marie’s rather extensive toy collection, but determined that bringing such up would be less than prudent. In fact, he didn’t much want to have a conversation about it at all. Ever. Not with his uncle, at least. He shuddered. 

“That’s-" 

"Her fingers are for diamond rings,” the grouchy old man said, adjusting his glasses. “NOT for ringing the devil’s doorbell." 

Marie sputtered, her eye wide and the fury rising in her so that each muscle tensed. "That’s none of your-” Stein’s uncle, however, only tipped his nose up at her, looking at Stein. 

“The ONLY suitable wife is one who respects herself and her modesty. Like your Aunt Gertrude." 

Stein made a disgusted face as he looked over at the decrepit woman in the corner who had done nothing but lick imaginary smudges from his cheeks for years. But there were more important matters to attend to, like the fact that Marie was absolutely, positively, spitting mad. 

"Oh, I’m sooo sorry,” Marie hissed, and Stein set a hand to the small of her back as though in warning. Or solidarity. He wasn’t even sure which it was. “You’re right! Premarital vaginal sex is SUCH a sin!” she said, rounding out her voice so it curved in a high, sweet soprano. 

Stein’s uncle nodded, opening his mouth to tell her he was proud that she understood, but Marie didn’t stop, and Stein could, somehow, tell what she was about to say, even before: “That’s why I get my asshole smashed every night!” slipped out with the overactive enthusiasm of someone attempting to play a dramatic cheerleader. 

And no one said _anything_. 

From the corner, Stein saw his mother drop her cup of water, her mouth gaping open, and he could have sworn his uncle was going to have a heart attack. But it was just so fucking _FUNNY_. 

Marie, who seemed to realize what she’d said in the middle of his family reunion that he had dragged her off to, opened her mouth to backtrack, looking horrified. Well, now or never, Stein supposed. 

“You know, Uncle, I think I need to sit Shiva.” No one answered him. For…rather obvious reasons. 

Except for his decrepit Aunt Gertrude, who wheezed out a “Why?”, but he wasn’t much sure if that was in regards to the situation or his exclamation. 

Regardless, he bravely continued. “Because,” Stein said, calmly, using all his skills in creating the perfect poker face to prevent a snort. “I murdered that asshole." 

And, from behind his back, he held his hand out so that Marie could high-five him.


End file.
